


Snare Drums

by HEARTBROKEN



Category: R5 (Band)
Genre: ++ some other fluff, Angst, Diary, F/M, Letter, M/M, ellington ruins rockys life, i think, im sorry, it has a happy ending sigh, just read it ok, rockys sad bc rydellington btw, rockys writting a bunch of dates, sad letter, suicidal rocky, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-13
Updated: 2015-07-13
Packaged: 2018-04-09 03:21:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4331847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HEARTBROKEN/pseuds/HEARTBROKEN
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ellington Lee Ratliff ruined my life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Snare Drums

**Author's Note:**

> this is also posted on my wattpad @ RobinR5

_You kissed my sister on September 2nd, 2013._

_September 2nd, 2013 was also the first time I cried before bleeding and smiled after. You kissed her under the gazebo in the rain and I started violently sobbing and thrashing around in the middle of the forest. All I wanted was a clear head and I liked rain, but no. The rain muted my cries to you. I swear I was going to be okay, but you started to slowly take of her shirt. You had your first kiss together, and almost sex. But just before you took of everything while telling each other how much you loved her, a huge thunder clap ruined your little moment._

_That was the first time I'd cried in six years._

_Now I wake up like I go to sleep, crying._

_I've been doing that for the past year. Do you know how thin our walls are? I can here every time you tell her she's the only one you could ever love, and how gorgeous she is, when you try to describe each others smell, and every sweet nothing you whisper into her ear before sleeping. I wanted to just disappear.  
_

_December 10th, 2014, you moved in together. Now I didn't have to hear everything you told each other, but we never talked. I think you blocked my number because you thought I didn't think you were good enough for my sister. No, I was happy that you were happy. I just wanted to be the one to make you happy. And of course you were good enough for her, you made her so happy. She loved you so much, you could never understand  
_

_May 21st, 2014, you proposed. I didn't sleep that night, and it was my first suicide attempt. Rydel was spending the night because mom begged her baby little girl to._

_Our paper thin walls made the only other person awake run into the room. Guess who it was? Your fiance. There were so many cuts on my arm, it must have disgusted her. But she didn't seem to mind._

_She drove me to the hospital and sobbed throughout the whole journey. When I woke up, I woke up like I always do. Crying. It was then I told Rydel that I was so in love with you and she sobbed into my arms._

_"My baby brother, I broke you so badly. I am so, so sorry." It was completely the opposite of her fault. I mean, the fact that she was happy kept me going for a while.  
_

_So no, she wasn't with Riker in Oregon for a month. She was with me. In the hospital, while I cried and wanted to disappear. She never got enough credit for doing that.  
_

_She broke up with you on July 1st, 2014. You screamed it was my fault, and she defended me. I don't deserve a sister like her. Especially because of what I did next._

_You called her a slut lying about being with me and claiming you knew she was cheating. It was then I realized that you could only break people. That's all you ever did. I guess you never noticed how Kelly hasn't worn short sleeves since your break up._

_I beat you. And I'm sorry. So fucking sorry. I hurt you so badly. I can't even live with myself._

_I was the words you called me. "Freak, monster, evil, ugly." I am all of those but it hurt worse when it wasn't just me telling myself that._

_July 30th, 2014, she lost the battle. You didn't even fucking show up to her funeral. And I still hate being terribly and desperately in love with you. You killed her, Ellington. She was in love with you like I was, and you killed her._

_I saw you at Wal_ _greens_ _one day but you didn't see me, because I ran into the bathroom with an unpaid for razor and made uncountable amounts of paper cuts._

_I hated you for making me love you._

_September 2nd, 2014, I sat in that gazebo where you first kissed her and watched as my life fell apart. It was weird to think that just a year ago I thought my life was over. And it was. I visited Rydel's grave every day and told her about my day and apologized for cutting. And then I would drive home and cry more, thinking of how much and how deeply my hatred and love for you ran._

_It's like I was falling out of love with you._

_October 12th, 2014, I met a lovely girl at a coffee shop. Her name was Alana. We were waiting in line and she noticed my wrists. She told me about how she'd lost his brother, and I told her about Rydel. I talked about you too, how much I hated you. We exchanged numbers and I smiled, for the first time in four hundred and five days, I smiled._

_Alana made me happy. She sent me encouraging texts every morning and we ate lunch together almost every afternoon._

_November 3rd, 2014, I asked her out on a date._

_She said yes._

_January 1st, 2015, the universe decided my l had been too happy for too long. Alana died in a car wreck. And everything she'd done to fix me, backfired. My life was literally hell. I slept all day in my own apartment and picked up the razor again._

_Today is February 21st, 2015, Alana's 20th birthday._

_You decided to show up on my doorstep today, of all days._

* * *

 

"Rocky I said I was sorry!" I hated him. I wanted to rip his guts out.

"Sorry doesn't cut it! You ruined my entire fucking life Ellington! Get out on my house!" I yelled at him.

He sat down on the couch stubbornly. I resisted the urge to choke him. "No."

I threw a glass on the floor. "Why do you show up today, out of all days?!"

He shrugged. "There was nothing important happening today."

Can I please strangle him? Right now? Give him a fraction of the pain he caused me. "Today was Alana's birthday you fucking idiot!" I shouted at him.

"Who's Alana?"

"GOD I HATE YOU! YOU RUINED MY FUCKING LIFE. I LOVED ALANA. I HATE YOU. SHE WAS MY GIRLFRIEND. SHE DIED IN A CAR WRECK. SHE WAS THE ONLY THING THAT MADE ME HAPPY!" I screamed at the worthless thing sitting on my couch.

He snorted. "What about Rydel."

That was it. I lunged at him and began to hit him. He grabbed my arm after several pumches, twisting it. "SHE KILLED HERSELF! YOU KILLED HER!"

"I think I would remember killing someone." I screamed out loud and slapped him across the face.

"SHE FUCKING LOVED YOU AND YOU BROKE HER! THE ONLY REASON SHE DUMPED YOU WAS BECAUSE OF ME! WE WEREN'T IN OREGON. WE WERE AT THE HOSPITAL BECAUSE YOU BROKE ME SO BADLY I TRIED TO KILL MYSELF!"

He stopped fighting and I realized what I'd just admitted. "Wh-what? How did I break you?"

"You made me love you! Then tricked my sister into your stupid evil little fucking game!"

He did one action after that.

He pressed his lips to mine feverishly, and moved his lips as if they were the thrashing waves of the ocean. I couldn't stop him, my brain wouldn't let me. He was so evil, but my brain couldn't understand he was bad. He pushed me into the bedroom and began to rip off my clothes.

At this point I'd given up on trying to make my brain understand he was bad for me. My brain's ideas infected my body as I ripped of his clothes, and we had sex. _Really_ rough sex.

* * *

 

I woke up the next morning on February 22nd, 2015, and found the thing of evil staring at me. As soon as he knew I was awake he began to talk in a rough annoying morning voice. "I'm sorry. I love you. I always have, I was trying to forget about you with Rydel. I did end up loving her so much though. I regret calling her a slut every day. If I didn't do that to her we wouldn't have ever went our separate ways. I started to abuse girls and play them like drums. I'd bang a different one each night. A few days ago I decided to come apologize, and yesterday I did. I'm sorry for killing Rydel, breaking you, breaking her, and screwing up everything. If you'd let me I'll spend every day of my life trying to make it up."

It was then I realized we weren't so different. I'd broken him in a different way then he broke me. And he was trying to fix it. "You have one chance.'

He pressed his lips to my forehead, his lips faintly lingering. "I'll make you breakfast."

I gave him a small grin as he left me alone, slipping back to sleep. The door cracked and he walked in quietly, placing a trey by my stomach and kissing my forehead softly.

I sat up and looked at the plate. Every time we stayed a hotel, I always got this on my order of omelet. "How'd you?....."

He smiled. "I could never forget." It was creepy, but in kind of a lovesick way.

I ate in silence, only asking my question when I was done. "You compared girls to drums because you'd bang them. What kind of drums?"

He let out a small laugh. "Snare Drums. They make a beautiful, short, loud noise. The girls were beautiful, my time with them was short, and they were loud."

I nodded. "You know I am really sorry Rocky," He said quieter.

"I know. I haven't forgiven you yet, but eventually I will." I probably would never fully be able to forgive him, but I'd find a way to live with it.

**Author's Note:**

> this is shit


End file.
